I have been thinking and reading a lot lately about communication. Great communication forms the foundation of deep and meaningful relationships. It’s the language we use that determines how deep our relationships go. We decide how much of ourselves we allow other people to see. This is a particularly meaningful topic for me as my son, Ollie, has Down Syndrome and struggles to communicate verbally. So I can see first-hand how impactful meaningful communication can strengthen a relationship and how ineffective communication builds high levels of frustration and in some cases anxiety.
Good communication is honouring; it requires us to put our relationship before our ego. What that means is: if I prioritize our relationship over my ego then the way I talk with and to you and the language I use show my value for you and for our relationship. The words I use will often work towards building you and our relationship up. In conflict situations I don’t use language that is blaming or hurtful, but rather I bring the conflict into the light and use respectful and loving language with the goal of resolving the conflict while protecting our relationship.
The way we deal with conflict can either be destructive or constructive. It all boils down to what our desired outcome looks like; if all I am focused on is being right; and getting you to understand my point of view then my ability to listen and understand is dramatically reduced. Why? Because all I can focus on are the reasons why I am right and you are wrong, and my unconscious wont afford me the ability of understanding your side of the story. Without getting technical this is called confirmation bias; a self-fulfilling prophecy in some instances. But, what if my goal was to protect my relationship with you and to first try and understand your model of the world? The possibility of a more positive outcome is more likely now but my brain is wired to infinitely more possibility. This makes me more open and more likely to understand your point of view. I am more likely to use language that is neutral and / or positive and my frame of mind
Good communication requires a certain amount of vulnerability and definitely requires honesty. When we are vulnerable we allow others to see the real us. This can be so scary. In fact we go to a lot of trouble putting up barriers and defences so as not to show people who we really are. There is fear of people rejecting us, there is social pressure to be a certain way, and due to our herd mentality, we try out best to fit in.
Dr. Caroline Leaf says that we are biologically and neurologically wired to connect with people around us. Its vital to us that we are able build deep and intimate relationships; and we do this through learning how to be vulnerable and honest in our communication.
However, we often keep our thoughts and our emotions so close to our chests (for a variety of reasons) that the people closest to us don’t know what’s going on inside. For many a sense of fear holds us back from good communication. The fear of rejection; the fear that our partner (whether in a personal relationship or a business partnership) will not respond in the same manner all provide walls and barriers for keeping our communication at a surface level. But my question to you is: how does that serve you? And what would amazing communication look like to you if fear did not hold you back?
Coach & Facilitator 